very little sense. I am losing grasp on reality. I can barely keep track of my own written or typed words. Ending of knowledge isn’t a pleasant ordeal. I don’t find comfort in anything at all. Now, I’m beginning to question my motives. Who would actually want to be this way? What good does absolute clarity do for a person if they can’t feel anything substantially, emotionally speaking? What’s the point of any of this? Was I hoping to accomplish something without motivation? How would that work? No motivation to do anything? What’s left? But, I know I’m not gonna stop here. I have to go further. It’s becoming increasingly ridiculous to the point where I will start doubting every single thing I do because motivation itself is suspect. This is what it’s like to deal in the infinitesimal. Yes, I’ve become extremely sensitive to reality but what good does that do? My senses will be overloaded all the time, everyday.
EDIT: I’m very much hoping there is a point to all these experiences. Of course, I can work miracles but I’m struggling with meaning. What is it that we ought to care about? What should I care about? I have been trying to keep my motivation constant throughout everything that I experience but now I’m doubting that itself. Does anyone else deal in the infinitesimal too? Are you out there somewhere? I’d like to talk to you. I long for kinship. I wish UG were alive. I don’t need much. Just a single conversation would do. Or better yet I’ll shed this need too. Yes, it is a need. I’ve gotten rid of wants entirely. Now, needs are going away until I am left with the basic needs. I honestly don’t know what my future will be. Everything has become uncertain. Maybe I’ll be homeless someday. Either way I hope I find peace before anything drastic happens so that I learn not to feel anything anymore.