I’m

indifferent towards art. It doesn’t affect me one way or another. I’ve been trying desperately to feel something for the past few days. I couldn’t do it. All I do is suffer.

That said, I don’t want you to suffer. You’re most treasured. The thought of you should be enough to help me get through the day. But, that’s just it. I never think of you. I deliberately avoid it to keep your dignity intact. I will not subject you to my chaotic mind. If I could see you all just one more time it’ll be enough for a lifetime. I would suffer for life and it’d be a fair deal. But, I won’t even allow myself that comfort. I’m simply not worthy until you deem me so. This blog is my only outlet. I feel a small relief when I type. I enjoy typing my ponderings. It keeps me alive or I would go insane if I haven’t already. I don’t enjoy any of the freedoms. I simply am not the kind of person who takes or even allows for pleasure in living. What passes for pleasure in my life is pain.

Most ascetic unlike crybaby Buddhists who allow themselves to take pleasure in suffering as achievement of the intellect of sorts. Ewwwwww! Don’t compare me to these monsters.

To this ug might say one who hasn’t experienced something would never condemn that something. But, I don’t have a logical framework of thought so everything i experience is momentary. Unless, of course what he said is absolute? Then I have to agree that he is right. I only condemned it because I have experienced it. I got stuck in duality. Dammit! One cannot escape the absolute. If that were possible one would have free will. Free will is synonymous with chaos or true randomness. It isn’t even psychologically conceivable.

Maybe one day when I tear apart reality with the ultimate construct, I will create chaos. Chaos is finity made infinite, the measurable made immeasurable, the momentary made absolute.

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