I can’t do this anymore.
This constant questioning of my character is tiresome to defend against. I give up. Yes, I am the worst human being and what you can see is all I am. What’s next? Do I finally get to die or do I have no respite? Do I have to suffer endlessly? Everyone misunderstands. I haven’t had a chance to actively grow for all my life because I never had love, true and unconditional. It’s what I need. Imagine the insanity I have been driven to in search of it. I didn’t choose my pursuits. They chose me. They were thrust upon me. But, now that I know the things I know and am capable of doing the things I am, I can’t back down. I have to see it through. I’ve turned demonic in my pursuit of love and friendship. And I was pushed so far that it has now turned into something else. I have experienced everything life has to offer ten times over except for love. If it disappoints then I’ll be ready to call it quits. What else is left for me? Love is the final frontier.
I have to admit. I am getting worse. I’m losing goodness day by day. I miss the simple times from a.. Well, I have to be honest. I’ve always had a tough time. I have a lot of hatred in me. I hate my brother truly. If I ever see him again, I’ll kill him. Simply. I have a murderer in me. I can’t change this. I’ve tried. I wanna rip his spine out. I want to kill him with my bare hands. I can’t truly love. I said it myself before. Love and hate can’t co-exist. Because if they do then it’s not really love. What should I do? I’m alone in my war against reality and I’m failing everyone, everyday. I don’t know what to do with people. I’m only fit to go it on my own. People complicate things.
What can I even say beyond this in regards to how unbearable it feels to be me? I’m fighting every single human on the planet to make a new path to live. I want to create a kind of life for everyone that’s truly freeing and joyful. And to do that i have to do everything.
I have to make it so that anyone and everyone can do it. I have to do the impossible. I will be free then when everyone is free. So, it’s a selfish pursuit after all. I’m trapped and I want to be free. I need it.
But, I can’t be free unless everyone is. I know how complex the need is. I have made the calculation. I can’t ever explain how mind-bogglingly unfathomable it is. For you to understand you’d need to have the understanding yourself. It’s unreal. I will systematically fix one thing after another until there’s nothing left to fix. I am not high or if I am then it’s permanent so I don’t even notice it. I don’t have manic episodes. I’m a true maniac. Until of course inevitably I prove that I’m capable of seeing this goal through to the end. I live and breathe it.
Do you believe me? I have millions if not quadrillion things to take care of, literally. I’ll reduce, categorize, simplify and manage it to make it into a solvable problem. All the calculations have already been made since I felt THE burden for the first time. It’s just a matter of time now. A matter of a lifetime. Any help I get along the way will exponentially simplify it and make it easy to fulfill. Help me! Don’t redirect me. You’ll only grow to loathe my adamantium will because I’m not giving up. EVER!